While she was waiting on a bus-stop for her office bus, she saw an old model of Scooty, the same blue coloured Scooty she had. She imagined herself riding the moped and her friend accompanying her on a pillion seat. But she had to brush-off those thoughts immediately as they took her on a dark ride of memories which would upset her to the core. She took a deep breath and looked in the direction of the road from where she was expecting her office-bus. In almost five minutes, she entered the bus and grabbed her favourite window seat. As she was watching outside through the window, the same blue coloured scooty passed through, and this time she could not control but relive those moments of low confidence, taking herself for granted and helping others to the extent where she would not even bother about her health situations.
Alpa was a brave, independent woman. Someone who had her own voice and a kind of personality that no one could mess with her. But that was her current version, she was different in the past. She was flawed like any other human being, but she was flawed in her own way!
Alpa was the first girl child in the family, and she was dark. All her cousins were better looking or at least with a fair skin tone. She compared herself with her cousins, and over time, this comparison grew in her head. She thought that she was ignored in family gatherings, she felt that people paid more attention to her cousins, and that her cousins were loved more than she was. She grew up thinking that she had to make efforts so that people would appreciate and acknowledge her. And then she started taking initiatives to make her presence noticeable. Subconsciously, she began following orders from everyone around her. She began helping people to seek attention in whichever way possible. She never said 'No' to anyone, so that she can mingle in some or the other way with her relatives. Whether she had a fever or her exam on next day, she would make herself available whenever her friends and family need her. The only thing which was always with her was her Scooty. Days passed by and then years and Alpa kept thinking that people judged her based on her looks and her skin tone. Low self-confidence and low self-esteem never allowed her to prioritize herself.
Eventually, she found someone whose love she could see and feel, her soulmate. She could notice some people who liked to know about her and who liked her for what she was. It took some time for her, but she did realize that she was not supposed to go beyond her limits to help people just to gain their acceptance. She must be original for people to like her.
And then when she stopped taking effort to get a nod from people, she found out something. She found out that her relatives always treated every cousin equally, she found out that she was loved, cared, and appreciated as much as any of her cousins. She gathered as much attention as any of her relative's kids, and there was almost no one who cared about her skin-tone and her looks. It was all in her head!
She learned that negative things grow in your head if you feed them, they are like weed – they stop you from being positive.
She started working on her mind and her thoughts, she started meditating and practicing Yoga. She understood that mind controls our life and it need to be positive, whatever the situation might be.
Alpa was back to reality after visiting her past memories; she closed her eyes and put her head on the headrest. The breeze hit her face. That's how she always liked, feeling the wind on her face with closed eyes. But today these disturbing past memories were playing in her head, until she deliberately thought about brushing them off, again. She had no control over her past, but she knew that she can control herself, her thoughts, and her actions. Not only she decided that day, but from next day onwards, she started meditating again, after a gap of a few weeks, so that she can give some time for herself.
Alpa is one of those people who would think and do what they believe is right for themselves. Her brain and her talk are always in sync. Those who know even a little bit of her would agree that she is what she says, she is an honest and opinionated woman. She has already accepted that she is not a superwoman and she cannot have everything. The thought of doing everything and proving herself (to the world?) always irritates her. When she wakes up in the morning, she thanks God that her loved ones are alive and she can spend time with them. She has 15-20 minutes of 'Me Time' when she meditates and practices yoga every morning, and that is her favourite time of the day. Though she wants to relax and spend her day as per her wish, her typical day is spent in running as per clock. She has trained her brain to think that her problems are neither unique, nor are they extremely challenging. She always believes that – giving time to and taking care of herself, her body and mind, and saying a good 'no' can create magic. Even today she helps people, not with the intention to receive appreciation but because she likes to.
However, the quality of controlling negative thoughts and keeping herself calm, and patient has not appeared all of a sudden. They were developed when she accepted the path of spirituality. And today she thanks the almighty for giving her those so-called 'dark' problems, which took her a step closer to the real doer – 'the God.'